bennjaminchrist

a few weeks ago i was in love. there was this girl, who'll remain nameless.
she was older, in her early twenties. she was beautiful and for months previous i'd fantasize about holding her hand or kissing her. (i still can't believe it actually happened).
she was odd and ill and every moment with her felt so perfect.
but it was forbidden love you see, and i was doomed to leave her and dip on with my heart even heavier than before.

bah humbug.

the whole experience made me realize that i do need to be in love in order to get out of my addictions and aimlessness.

On the topic of love- fuck it.
All the people i've been genuinely in love w/ are people whose hearts i've broken. i don't deserve them, i fucked it all up.

And any girl that's worth the time of day nowadays... well, i'm way too scared of breaking their hearts to start a relationship or even just fucking kiss them.
I NEED OUT OF HERE

Life's a trip. The closest thing to an epiphany i can get out of this whole sham is this: that everything's a dream.
Delusional? sure. But who can be held against for harboring delusions in a world like ours? Especially within this culture!

Sometimes i have to hold back screaming I'M DEPRESSED I'M DEPRESSED I'M DEPRESSED. Because lord knows i truly am. I want someone to dump that in, but i can't find anyone. It's probably for the best- those are terrible sentiments to hand off to some loved one.

At least it's not like the things i used to want to scream. I'd try to kill myself every other weekend in times past. It's been a really frantic and dismal life for the most part.

So where's the glue that's sticking me to life?

Music. And a few of the moments between friends.
Nowadays my friends torment me a lot. It bugs me.
They say they don't mean it. but sometimes it's NOT the thought that counts.

-phew-

i don't often wake up in the middle of the night feeling miserable anymore.
:).

Been feeling kind of out of place lately.
I get into these really paranoid mindsets, where I'm 50% sure that certain people around me can hear my thoughts. So I think really loud "IF YOU CAN HEAR ME THINK, SCRATCH YOUR LEFT EAR!" or something like that.
Then they don't, and I shake my head a little bit- get all the bed-bugs out.

I also get this idea that I blast invisible waves of emotion from myself in a 360 degree radius, making people feel the huge feeling inside me.

I go on very long philosophical conversations with myself about where life is going and what life is. I debate about the direction to take things, and let the liquid pressure feeling in my head tell me if I'm right or wrong.
There really is a pressure. If it's uncomfortable, I know not to do it. If it's a comfortable pressure, I continue along that particular train of thought.

And that doesn't even scratch the surface.
What the fuck, im nuts.

I'm smashin Cody McCune like a little fuckin bug this Saturday. Just you wait, Money!

Things are going swell. I have a lot of determination and self-esteem.
Been watching lots of space ghost.

Got woke up drunk by a cop at some party in some empty house last night.
It was fun, though. Bunch of the old homies.
The cop let us go. That was nice.

A few thoughts:

I think I'm going to go to college. Making a life out of chaos and lulz is too hard without some kind of stability.

The whole music career that is my dream will probably just fall into place conviently.

After much analyzation of the world around me, it's obvious there's a lot more to life than what human senses can tell us. During my first (and so far only) phsycadellic experience, my mind told me this paradox: "There is a god. There is no god."
I stand by that idea.

Also, for the past- like, year, i've only hooken up (sans a few exceptions) with fifteen year old girls.
How coincidental. I was fifteen when I got my first girlfriend.

Haha, wtf. This is just babbling. No structure.
So be it.

Recently I've been feeling pretty good. Yesterday I didn't feel so good, though.
Today- I feel alright.

I've been feeling better lately.
Got a new girlfriend. Hope that wont turn out to be a mistake.

Strength is what I need. Because all in all, I'd rather die than fix my life.

Well, this is the uhm... 4th day of being sober.

It's funny: getting clear of drugs is a lot like crawling towards some light at the end of a tunnel.

I want to be clean; am taking steps to get clean.
If it works this time, life still might end up beautiful.

Right now, all I want to do is sober up.

What's with life, it's situations?
Well...
All's just atoms; information!

Then what's with love?!
With intuition!?
What's with laughter
and mind's cognition?!?

All's psychosis!
More! More of it!

What if in the course of humans evolving into the beings we are today, there was a mutation in the genome which rendered the brain psychotic. Chemically imbalanced. Off the rocker.
What if that particular mutation led the replication of human thought.
Some odd hallucination that attaches sounds to emotions. Something that was completely necesarry to advance our placement on the food chain.

I don't know. Life seems to make more sense when you view it as a hallucination.

Music is the way.

People can be very interesting.

Some of the girls I've dated are really great people.
I love them to death. I wish I never broke up with some of them.

But then again, if that happened, I'd be dating like 3 people.

What people don't know about is what it sounds like.
That's fine.

I'm re-writing most of my songs.

Chilled with Kyle all weekend. It was good times.
I really think that he and I have the right idea.