A Beautiful Man is Dead

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 02:45:10 GMT

a few weeks ago i was in love. there was this girl, who'll remain nameless.
she was older, in her early twenties. she was beautiful and for months previous i'd fantasize about holding her hand or kissing her. (i still can't believe it actually happened).
she was odd and ill and every moment with her felt so perfect.
but it was forbidden love you see, and i was doomed to leave her and dip on with my heart even heavier than before.

bah humbug.

the whole experience made me realize that i do need to be in love in order to get out of my addictions and aimlessness.

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 03:58:01 GMT

On the topic of love- fuck it.
All the people i've been genuinely in love w/ are people whose hearts i've broken. i don't deserve them, i fucked it all up.

And any girl that's worth the time of day nowadays... well, i'm way too scared of breaking their hearts to start a relationship or even just fucking kiss them.
I NEED OUT OF HERE

Tue, 03 Feb 2009 06:27:25 GMT

Life's a trip. The closest thing to an epiphany i can get out of this whole sham is this: that everything's a dream.
Delusional? sure. But who can be held against for harboring delusions in a world like ours? Especially within this culture!

Sometimes i have to hold back screaming I'M DEPRESSED I'M DEPRESSED I'M DEPRESSED. Because lord knows i truly am. I want someone to dump that in, but i can't find anyone. It's probably for the best- those are terrible sentiments to hand off to some loved one.

At least it's not like the things i used to want to scream. I'd try to kill myself every other weekend in times past. It's been a really frantic and dismal life for the most part.

So where's the glue that's sticking me to life?

Music. And a few of the moments between friends.
Nowadays my friends torment me a lot. It bugs me.
They say they don't mean it. but sometimes it's NOT the thought that counts.

-phew-

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 09:21:09 GMT

i don't often wake up in the middle of the night feeling miserable anymore.
:).

Thu, 28 Aug 2008 03:47:20 GMT

Been feeling kind of out of place lately.
I get into these really paranoid mindsets, where I'm 50% sure that certain people around me can hear my thoughts. So I think really loud "IF YOU CAN HEAR ME THINK, SCRATCH YOUR LEFT EAR!" or something like that.
Then they don't, and I shake my head a little bit- get all the bed-bugs out.

I also get this idea that I blast invisible waves of emotion from myself in a 360 degree radius, making people feel the huge feeling inside me.

I go on very long philosophical conversations with myself about where life is going and what life is. I debate about the direction to take things, and let the liquid pressure feeling in my head tell me if I'm right or wrong.
There really is a pressure. If it's uncomfortable, I know not to do it. If it's a comfortable pressure, I continue along that particular train of thought.

And that doesn't even scratch the surface.
What the fuck, im nuts.

Fri, 22 Aug 2008 01:08:10 GMT

I'm smashin Cody McCune like a little fuckin bug this Saturday. Just you wait, Money!

Thu, 21 Aug 2008 05:41:50 GMT

Things are going swell. I have a lot of determination and self-esteem.
Been watching lots of space ghost.

Tue, 05 Aug 2008 11:44:48 GMT

Got woke up drunk by a cop at some party in some empty house last night.
It was fun, though. Bunch of the old homies.
The cop let us go. That was nice.

A few thoughts:

I think I'm going to go to college. Making a life out of chaos and lulz is too hard without some kind of stability.

The whole music career that is my dream will probably just fall into place conviently.

After much analyzation of the world around me, it's obvious there's a lot more to life than what human senses can tell us. During my first (and so far only) phsycadellic experience, my mind told me this paradox: "There is a god. There is no god."
I stand by that idea.

Also, for the past- like, year, i've only hooken up (sans a few exceptions) with fifteen year old girls.
How coincidental. I was fifteen when I got my first girlfriend.

Haha, wtf. This is just babbling. No structure.
So be it.

Fri, 01 Aug 2008 19:49:43 GMT

Recently I've been feeling pretty good. Yesterday I didn't feel so good, though.
Today- I feel alright.

Sun, 27 Jul 2008 07:16:04 GMT

I've been feeling better lately.
Got a new girlfriend. Hope that wont turn out to be a mistake.

Thu, 03 Jul 2008 04:57:04 GMT

Strength is what I need. Because all in all, I'd rather die than fix my life.

Wed, 18 Jun 2008 18:21:44 GMT

Well, this is the uhm... 4th day of being sober.

It's funny: getting clear of drugs is a lot like crawling towards some light at the end of a tunnel.

Sun, 15 Jun 2008 21:47:59 GMT

I want to be clean; am taking steps to get clean.
If it works this time, life still might end up beautiful.

Fri, 13 Jun 2008 13:14:41 GMT

Right now, all I want to do is sober up.

A poem.

Mon, 02 Jun 2008 18:13:05 GMT

What's with life, it's situations?
Well...
All's just atoms; information!

Then what's with love?!
With intuition!?
What's with laughter
and mind's cognition?!?

All's psychosis!
More! More of it!

Sat, 31 May 2008 12:28:42 GMT

What if in the course of humans evolving into the beings we are today, there was a mutation in the genome which rendered the brain psychotic. Chemically imbalanced. Off the rocker.
What if that particular mutation led the replication of human thought.
Some odd hallucination that attaches sounds to emotions. Something that was completely necesarry to advance our placement on the food chain.

I don't know. Life seems to make more sense when you view it as a hallucination.

Sat, 31 May 2008 12:18:43 GMT

Music is the way.

Mon, 05 May 2008 19:15:39 GMT

People can be very interesting.

Sun, 13 Apr 2008 20:39:26 GMT

Some of the girls I've dated are really great people.
I love them to death. I wish I never broke up with some of them.

But then again, if that happened, I'd be dating like 3 people.

Tue, 01 Apr 2008 05:12:03 GMT

What people don't know about is what it sounds like.
That's fine.

I'm re-writing most of my songs.

Chilled with Kyle all weekend. It was good times.
I really think that he and I have the right idea.

Songs.

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 22:19:05 GMT

They're like giant cabinets where you keep memories and feelings.
They mix and match like socks (the memories and feelings).

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 22:05:38 GMT

Also, my (and probably all) minds experience several different realities of consciousness at the same time based on physical stimulus. We can only see one of them.
All the other realities can be seen in dreams from time to time.

Haha, maybe.

Sun, 09 Mar 2008 22:00:49 GMT

I've been high, I've been low, I don't know where to go.

Sun, 03 Feb 2008 17:42:29 GMT

I like my girlfriend a lot. She and I, we're on the same wavelength.

Mon, 21 Jan 2008 16:06:06 GMT

Here's a series of things I wanted people to know last night:

Most of you guys are good people. Or at least I like you. There's only a few people added on here that I don't really care about; and I need to delete these few and such.

The other morning, this thing that was really odd happened to me.
I started hearing voices in my head. Voices I wasn't making up words for. They said things that were very interesting (things I'll never remember).
So I figured maybe I've finally gone off the rocker, right? Gah.
But no. What happened was I was just hearing a dream that was going on at some place in my brain.

All the people on our planet aren't good people. Even some of the people in our town aren't that great.
But there's a grip-load of people who are really great. And they're worth surviving through the fuckshits in life, maybe, really.
Theoretically speaking, this means there's probably lots of great people we'll never meet.

Great great people. Like Brittany. She's one of the most amazing people I've ever met.
Perry's pretty tight. Dylan and Lance are swell folks.
My Dad and Grandfather were great people.

I listened to folk records with my grandpa in his garage all the time before he died. He had thousands and thousands of records. It was awe-inspiring to me when I was 6. It's awe-inspiring to me now.

A year or two after he died, my brain had him visit me in a dream. I was 9.
I said "Wait, aren't you dead?"
He said, "Yeah. But how else am I supposed to visit you?"
i said, "I love you."
He said "I love you too, you know."

My mom, she eats a lot of pills so she doesn't want to die all the time.. My brother's mentally retarded. He also has some nervous tics that are related to the tourette's he has. The tics are treatable. It would be a blast if his brain were. That's why I have this huge interest in the way people think, love, and such... I grew up with a best friend who couldn't think the way everybody else could.

I guess I really want to feel loved.

In the story "Breakfast of Champions", the character Dwayne Hoover's wife kills herself by drinking Drano.
In the story "Julius Caesar", Brutus' wife kills herself by eating hot coals. "Swallowed fire" is how it was described.

In one of the stories I made and forgot and am clawing through my memory to try and explain, a fella named Roger does a bunch of homemade drugs and hallucinates small animals. The small animals help Roger hurt other people.
Roger was a dream catcher. He hallucinated himself as one, at least.
A dream catcher is one who dips his hand into the combined subconsciousness of the world and pulls out dreams to watch and entertain himself.
He actually caught fish for a mute fish chef.

I won't live to see the ozone burst into a coffin.